Hi. Did You Know I’m Not Okay?

I was 17 when I finally confessed to my mother I’d been sexually abused from the age of four to ten.

I thought after I confessed that long-buried secret I’d feel, in every sense, free.

But the confession in and of itself did not free or heal me. It did not empower me. It did not make me feel better.

It did not bring closure because at 17 I’d already lived alone with my depression, anxiety, sexual trauma, and self-hatred for nearly a decade (from when the abuse stopped).

I would spend the next several years pretending to be OK, as always. I felt that since I’d been strong enough to hide the abuse and pain all those other years, I could get away with doing that my entire life.

I was wrong. So fucking wrong.

I am 24 now and nowhere near close to strong. For the last three years, depression and anxiety have completely controlled my life and since April 18, 2016, I’ve been struggling with PTSD symptoms.

I started to, for the first time in my life, have nightmares of my abuser. I see his face, I hear his voice. I can even smell him when I wake up. These nightmares trigger the most horrifying emotions and physical symptoms for days, even weeks.

I don’t know who I am.

Any sense of self I once had is gone.

At 17 I believed I would have the strength to fake normality forever. I don’t know how I did it all those years, I was so young. I’m an adult now and I feel so fucking stupid for not knowing how to live my life.

I should know how to be normal, right? I have a mother and partner who love me. I should know how to move on because I’m lucky enough to travel. Because I went to college and have a B.A. Isn’t that the logic? That I have all these wonderful things and should be grateful. That these “blessings” should keep me going, that they should teach me how to live a normal life. They don’t, though. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to heal myself. I don’t know how to get closure and my trips and college degree don’t do it for me.

My mom and partner will always ask, “How are you doing/feeling today?”

HOW AM I DOING? HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I AM NOT FUCKING OKAY. I WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I DON’T LIKE BEING AROUND TOO MANY PEOPLE. I GO PLACES AND FEEL LIKE I HAVE “SEXUALLY ABUSED” WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD. I HATE MY BODY FROM THE WAIST DOWN. I DON’T HAVE A NORMAL AND HEALTHY SEX LIFE. I AM NOT PROUD OF MY B.A. DEGREE. I AM NOT PROUD OF ANYTHING BECAUSE IT ALL TIES BACK TO HOW WELL I DID DESPITE MY STRUGGLES. DEAN’S LIST? TWICE? DAMN. LOOK AT HOW MUCH STRESS I PUT ON MYSELF ON TOP OF MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY JUST TO MAKE SURE I VALIDATED MY INTELLIGENCE AND KEPT MY LONG HELD NERD STATUS. I DON’T HAVE NORMAL AND HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I LIVE TOO FAR. I’M HOMESICK. I’M NOT OKAY. I WAS A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND ABUSE AND RAPE, YES RAPE, FOR MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING? PLEASE TELL ME HOW POSITIVITY IS GOING TO HEAL ME AND I JUST NEED TO SMILE MORE? I DON’T LIKE TO GET OUT OF BED, I GO DAYS WITHOUT EVEN AS MUCH WALKING OUT OF MY HOUSE AND YOU WANT  ME TO SMILE. SMILING INSIDE MY HOUSE IS REALLY GOING TO HELP WHEN I HAVEN’T SHOWERED, BRUSHED MY TEETH AND HAVE FELT NUMB. I AM FUCKED UP IN MY HEAD. I LIKE HAVING ALL THE LIGHTS IN MY HOUSE OFF. I CRY AND SHOUT FOR ANY REASON. MY BRAIN IS CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED BUT HOLD ON, LET ME SMILE.

When I was going to therapy (which was free because I was a student) I learned that my healing journey is mine to dictate but I don’t feel in control of anything.

I had all of these wonderful plans for my life, but at the moment I’m a piece of shit loser who can’t leave her house except for two times a week to attend an internship where she has to pretend to be a normal person in hopes that  this will look good on her resume which at the moment fucking sucks because she spent the last three years rejecting any opportunities due to crippling depression and anxiety.

I am so lost. WHO AM I?

Truth is, I don’t know. My life is not in my hands at the moment.

Also, I know I’m supposed to be blogging regularly but I CAN’T COMMIT TO ANYTHING. I already feel like a piece of shit about never meeting deadlines and never reaching small or long-term goals. At this point, I will just post whenever I post.

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One thought on “Hi. Did You Know I’m Not Okay?

  1. I know nothing is going to make you feel better. Only you can do that and when you’re ready to, but your post helped me. It hit me deep in my heart. I cannot relate to this exact situation and I’m so sorry you’ve had to live through this for your entire life. But I feel your pain. It’s written in between every word. I feel pain. I’ve always felt pain. And if this does nothing for you, know it did something for me. Thank you.

    Like

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